


Everything I Didn’t Say

by mygodhatesme



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Angst, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-09-13
Packaged: 2020-11-02 04:49:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20627123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mygodhatesme/pseuds/mygodhatesme
Summary: Steve Rogers from the music magazine Avengers wants to interview James Barnes of Flesh about their new album Bite.





	Everything I Didn’t Say

**Author's Note:**

> this was just an idea i had, just wanted to write it to get it out of my mind. it’s just very lazy writing in my opinion but i hope you enjoy it
> 
> this is unedited and unbetaed

James Barnes chose to live alone in an apartment as small as a matchbox, rather than a big one with his bandmates and Sam, the bassist hated that James lived alone. Him living alone was definitely triggering his depression and he was struggling to stay sober, so these had a huge effect on his writing and it was seen clearly in their most recent album. “Bite by Flesh is a cry for help, you can’t deny that this album is filled with unnecessary angst.” wrote Steve Rogers from Avengers. James personally loved Avengers as a magazine, he loved that it was old school with no content online. He always wondered how they’re surviving the online age with not even having a website. When any music magazine out there praised Bite, Steve Rogers had something different to say about it. He hated Steve as he was reading his review because he felt exposed, his review got into his bones. 

As sunshine heated James’ incredibly small apartment, his phone rang. The chorus of American Idiot by Green Day filled the room. He turned to the side, reaching for his phone to ignore the call but as he saw the name ‘Natalia’ on the screen he knew he just shouldn’t ignore that call. Natasha Romanoff worked for Avengers at that moment but she and James worked at the same recording studio before he became a huge rock star. Natasha was now working for Avengers as a writer and her calling James meant she was about to ask something he was going to find extremely annoying. James put his phone on the speaker and got back to his previous position on the bed. “Hey!” James said quietly, “Let me guess, I woke you up.” Natasha said and he just wanted to get off the phone and go back to sleep. “Yup” James said, Natasha didn’t wait long to continue. “Steve Rogers wants to interview you.” James already knew that, the band’s manager emailed him a thousand times about it and he’s been avoiding it for weeks but if Natasha was included just to convince him, he knew that Steve was stubborn as fuck. 

“Oh fuck, when?” James said taking a deep breath before speaking so Natasha understood that he was very annoyed. “James, I know that you’ve been avoiding this but you have to do it!” Natasha raised his voice a little, “Everyone read his review and everyone wants answers so stop being the dramatic bastard you are and answer his fucking questions.” she was definitely annoyed by James’ attitude towards Steve and she wanted him to know that. “Okay, I’ll do it but when?” he asked again, “In an hour.” Natasha said. “I hate you.” James let out those words very fast and those words were enough for Natasha to understand that he was going to do it, “Get ready.” Natasha said and ended the call. 

James locked his eyes to the ceiling, he tried to guess what he could be asked but it made him very anxious so he decided to leave the bed and make some coffee. James Barnes couldn’t function without having 3 cups of americano in the morning. Though it was already 1 pm and he slept for more than he should’ve, he needed his coffee. He didn’t have table in the kitchen, or anywhere in the apartment. He literally didn’t have a decent place to eat on, it’s his luck that he didn’t get any guests. He rested on the fridge and looked out of the window in his eyesight, it was sunny but James knew that it wasn’t necessarily hot since it was almost fall. He filled his second cup of coffee and drank if faster than the previous one. He left the kitchen just in the moment he finished the third cup of coffee. 

He wondered his eyes around the living room, the tv was still open from last night and there was this incredibly boring daytime show. He loved the stuff they showed at late night, they were fun and they had all the juicy stuff moms at home just couldn’t handle. He couldn’t stand those annoying presenters so he turned off the tv. There were 6 empty beer bottles on the fourth shelf of his bookshelf which was took too much space in the room. The beer bottles were placed facing the books by Irvine Welsh so he smiled as he saw time while he got the bottles to threw them in the trash. 

The tv was turned off, bottles were in the trash. He looked around once again, he spotted the stubbed cigarettes on the coffee table. He always forgot to get something to put out his cigarettes on so he just did it on the table itself. Almost every corner of the coffee table was burnt, he had no idea how to explain that so he just hoped that Rogers guy wouldn’t notice. He didn’t even bother to clean anywhere else, it didn’t matter if the kitchen or the bedroom was a shithole. The bathroom could be considered clean so he didn’t even check if it was. He went back to the bathroom, closed the curtains so no neighbour of his saw his ass in high quality. He put on some black skinny jeans, he wanted to wear the ripped ones but he couldn’t find those. He also realised he lost weight when he got into the jeans more easily, he considered as a win and moved on to choosing t-shirt. He found that classic misfits t-shirt he hasn’t wore in a while and put that on.

He was ready before he thought he would, he laid on the couch and started listening the audiobook of Harry Potter and he Order of the Phoenix, not because he missed his childhood but because he wanted to forget all that stupid shit J.K. Rowling said. He didn’t have a doorbell so when Steve came he had to knock which James usually didn’t hear or seemed to ignore. But this time he had no chance but to get the door or Natasha Romanoff was going to kill him, he was also pretty sure she wouldn’t even blink doing that. He was starting to getting sleepy, the book wasn’t as exciting as he remembered and here heard the knock when his eyes were about to close. 

He sighed and got on his feet, open the door without saying anything. “Hey.” Steve said enthusiastically just to hear a very dull ‘hey’ back. “Steve Rogers, welcome to my crib.” his voice was still very dull but it was too late to quit so James welcomed him in. Steve Rogers was much bigger than he looked online, his blue eyes we a little darker than James’ and his lips had that rosey colour that James would love to kiss if he wasn’t an asshole who commented on shit he didn’t know about. “You can sit anywhere.” James said, Steve chuckled after his words. He looked at the only couch in the apartment, neither of them had a choice. They sat facing each other, they both had their legs on the couch which James found very weird that a man who happened to be a writer at a magazine if basically laying on his couch, with him but he also didn’t mind as long as this finished quick. “Would you like me to start recording or we can talk stuff off record for now.” Steve said in a soft voice, it was almost like he was talking to a baby. “It doesn’t matter.” Steve nodded, “We’ll start off record, I’ll tell you when i start recording.” 

“Natasha talks so much about you, she’s very proud of where you’re right now.” Steve was still talking that softly, “In an apartment which i can barely fit in?” he asked sarcastically and Steve could feel that he was going to hear these kind of stuff for the whole time he’s there. James was avoiding eye contact, usually looking at the ceiling as always. “I wanna tell you something actually.” Steve said not changing the was he talked, “Go on.” James said quickly. “I know you hated my review because even you can’t deny that it was your cry for help.” James tried to avoid to answer honestly, “How do you know I am the one and not any other band members?” James raised his eyebrows wanting to show him he was annoyed. James Barnes got annoyed easily. “You know not just me but people can see everyone working on that album, everyone knows that lyrics were all yours.” James felt like his soft voice was more of silent attack. “I had cowriters.” James didn’t really get why they were doing this conversation off record, this was some juicy material to work with. 

“Yeah but on 2 songs and the album has 13 songs.” James knew they recorded a lot and the album had more songs than usual but he didn’t actually know that there were 13 fucking songs. James knew that it was all because he didn’t want to give any interviews about the album, they didn’t even did like a press conference like they did before. James didn’t exactly know which songs were in the album and which ones weren’t because he just didn’t give a fuck and everyone knew that because he just couldn’t cope and he was isolating himself. Even Steve could see that.

“Do you actually need help?” Steve asked but this time his voice was different, he actually wanted to know if he was feeling okay. James stopped for a moment, he slipped away for that moment. His eyes started looking like they didn’t belong to someone, Steve said something that he promised he wouldn’t but he had no choice. “Bucky?" he said very softly, the life came back to James’s eyes and they slowly grew bigger, his jaw dropped a bit as he heard the name he hadn’t heard in ages. “Wh-what?” James looked like he was hurt, his breathing was heavy and it was obvious that using that name was a huge mistake. “Bucky, please calm down.” Steve kept using that name knowing that James didn’t use it anymore. 

“How-how do you know that?” Bucky didn’t look just surprised but also like he misses something. “I’m Steve.” he said, “I know that already.” Bucky yelled. “Buck?” he looked much calm after that word left Steve’s mouth. “Oh my god, you’re Steve Rogers.” Steve nodded slowly, “You punk!” Bucky didn’t just look hurt but he sounded hurt, his voice cracked at the end of the sentence. “How did I not notice before, how did I not remember you?” Bucky said forcing himself to talk clearly, “You’re bigger!” he smiled saying that. Steve had a faint smile on his face, Bucky’s impression disappeared and he looked like he didn’t have any emotion. “How did I forget my high school sweetheart.” he looked like he was really thinking about that. “You still don’t take no as an answer.” Bucky said slightly smiling, “Are you here to actually interview me or are you here as my ex trying to catch up after a decade?” he asked jokingly. “I already know everything you do, you have some creepy fans.” Bucky chuckled, “Yeah, I know.”. 

“How did you end up here, on this couch, minutes away from interviewing your ex who’s not actually better than he was?” Bucky was still smiling a little but Steve could see the pain in his eyes, slowly eating anything alive. “I don’t know actually, I have no idea.” Steve said as he reached for Bucky’ hand. “You’re shaking.” he said very softly, “And you were going to art school what happened?” Bucky had to know. Steve’s vision blurred, he could almost see Bucky’s last day at school, the way Steve called his name and only said “Take care.” it broke both of their hearts. Bucky wanted to run back to Steve, apologise for everything he’d done to himself because he knew that Steve was selfless and he cared so much of Bucky. 

“I fucked up.” Steve said, he felt like interview wasn’t going to happen. Maybe he could ask a few questions and just write it away, it was James Barnes so he was really sure it’d be still a hit. “Both of us did.” Bucky said “I still regret it.” his eyes teared up. “Regret what?” Steve knew his answer but he still needed to hear it out loud. “Everything. Making you stay by my side every single time I fucked up, not letting you leave. You should’ve left me, I was such a toxic boyfriend and you should’ve spent your high school years better. You shouldn’t have spent those years cleaning your boyfriend’s vomit.” he couldn’t hold it anymore, his cheeks were wet and while he was looking into Steve’s eyes, he whispered “Sorry.” Steve had already forgave him years ago. He forgave him when he listened Flesh’s first album, no matter how many years passed those songs felt like Bucky. 

“You still feel like...” Bucky stopped for a moment and said “Home.” but he didn’t give Steve a chance to talk, he had more to say. “I’m sorry I didn’t remember you, I’m sorry I’ve never looked for you, I’m sorry for not remembering most of senior year, I’m sorry I tried to forget you.” Steve waited for a few seconds, “You hated me for writing that review but why didn’t you say something about it, you have Twitter.” Bucky wiped his tears with his hands and smiled faintly “Because they’re all true, it is filled with unnecessary angst and it’s probably very triggering for most people.” Steve knew he wasn’t wrong. “It’s a good album” Steve said, “I’m not sure of that.” Bucky never liked his work, his self esteem was still very low. “Trust me, it’s good” Steve said and smiled “Sam’s bass skills are really good, I would love to meet him.” Bucky nodded, “I can arrange that.” and Steve felt like he was still 17. 

“Enough catching up, let’s get to the interview.” Bucky said, he still was hoping he wouldn’t have a breakdown answering the questions but he was willing to answer all. “Are you sure?” Steve asked, Bucky nodded “We can continue being angsty teens after we get the job done.” he smiled, he was actually really glad Steve was the one who wrote that and not somebody else. Steve started the recording and he locked his eyes on Bucky. They started with simply Bucky explaining his creative process and Steve could see that he was being completely honest with his answers. When it was the time for the real questions, Bucky held Steve’s hand and unlike he thought it still felt the same. Bucky’s gestures changed completely as he was answering the questions he ran away from. 

After a long time passed with answering questions about how his writing reflects his experiences, Steve asked the last and the most important question. “What do you think of my review of Bite, especially the part I called it ‘a cry for help’?” Bucky took a long time without saying anything. He just licked his lips, looked around the room and when he was sure of what to say, he squeezed Steve’s hand. He took a deep breath, “You weren’t wrong, it was kind of a cry for help but it was also a little memoire of my years I spent struggling with many things.” Steve smiled because Bucky was looking into his eyes, they were shining and they definitely weren’t the eyes he saw earlier that day. “Thank you for this chat James.” Steve said keeping his smile, he stopped the recording and softly said “Thank you.” before he got on his feet. Bucky didn’t get it, was he going to leave just like that? Bucky’s impression turned into something between sad and curious, he had to say something before Steve left. 

He got up too, followed Steve to open the door for him. “I’m sorry and I didn’t realise how much I missed you.” Bucky said, “I know, that’s why I’m going to ask you on a date.” Steve said his smile grew so big that his teeth were showing. “What?” Bucky’s jaw dropped, the corners of his lips curled up. “You, me, dinner?” Bucky nodded fast with excitement, “I already have your number.” Steve confessed and Bucky knew how “Natasha?” this time Steve nodded. “I’ll text you okay?” Bucky could’ve thought a lot of things in that moment but all he could think was why the fuck he didn’t recognise Steve’s name. He said “Yeah, that sounds good” Steve whispered a little “Bye” and Bucky said it back. He closed the door as soon as Steve disappeared from his eyesight. He laid back at the couch and didn’t do anything, he just tried to remember simple things about the stuff he tried so hard to forget. Unlike he thought, forgetting was his curse.


End file.
